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I thought publishing a book would feel like arrival. It did not. It felt more like standing in a dark room, finger on a button, realizing that once I press it, there is no taking it back.

I am a Writer Now?

The book is now live. It has a place in the world. I actually made a dent.

Insecurities kick in immediately. There is no clear category for what I made. Does poetry count the same way a novel does. And dystopian poetry. Who even does that?

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My writing, my genre, my niche does not sit comfortably on a familiar shelf. There is no category for me in Amazon. Since not too many around me is doing this exact thing, it makes harder for me to borrow confidence from comparison. And yet -

I am a writer now. A published author, in fact. I like the sound of that.

The book exists, though. It has a cover, a listing, a price. That fact creates a shift whether I feel ready for it or not.

Coming Out With a Book

Writing was private. Publishing is not.

The hardest part is telling people it exists. Saying it directly. Sharing the link. If I had not made myself accountable to this specific publishing date, I am not sure I would have done it at all.

While I was working on the manuscript, no one really needed to know. It was contained. Safe. The moment I decided to publish, my work and writing became a statement. Not just that I wrote something, but that I dare to believe out loud that it deserves space.

What if no one buys it?
What if someone does?

The Moment of Publish

It was late. The house was quiet. Kids asleep. A dark corner in my living room’s writing space was lit only by a screen. I was wearing a worn out flowery robe, my eyes were heavy and I felt more tired than ceremonial.

My finger stayed on the publish button longer than necessary, but I pressed it.

For a moment I wished there had been someone sitting next to me to share this milestone. Then I realized that I actually do have someone to share this with. Someone I can 100% count on to have my back in this, regardless of the outcome.

Relief Instead of Pride

I assumed the dominant feeling would be pride. A sense of arrival. What I felt instead was relief.

Relief that the files were uploaded. Relief that the decisions were final. Relief that I no longer had to adjust a line, a margin, a word. There is nothing left to optimize. Even the beginner mistakes are now part of the outcome. (More about those later.)

It is done. It is public. I can let go.

CHECK OUT MY BOOK

I hope you feel curious enough to read the book. If it is not for you, sharing this post or the link with your tribe would mean just as much.

Your support matters to me!

ps. As always, I’m happy to hear your thoughts.

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©Samia Oldman.

What are you interested in reading next?

• Dystopian Poetry

• Artist’s Headspace

• Making of Hush Halo

• Square One

• About, My Why and My How

• Leave feedback on Reader’s Corner

Did you miss my previous posts?

This is not something I usually post, and it may well be both the first and last time. I wanted to share it anyway, since it feels connected to my dystopian poetry writing.

Books and Audiobooks

A large portion of the books are audiobooks. I usually listen while walking, doing chores, or working with my hands. If I’m painting or crafting, I’m almost always listening to something.

Red Rising (books 1–3)
I started these already in December, but they dominated my January. The worldbuilding and character roles are extremely compelling, and the verbal style, especially naming and terminology, is top-tier. This definitely sharpened my sensitivity to invented language.

Atmosphere
A quieter read compared to the sci-fi pile. More about emotional states and relationships than ideas, but useful as a reminder of pacing and restraint.

Project Hail Mary
I technically started this in 2025, but I am counting it here because the upcoming film adaptation makes it feel timely. A very efficient, problem-solving driven narrative. Comforting competence. Cannot wait to see the movie soon!

Toward Eternity
Super interesting and dense. I need to read this again and actually take notes. The cover alone is remarkable and likely influenced my own cover thinking more than I initially realized.

The Murderbot Diaries (book 1)
Light, funny, and slightly childish in tone, but still recommendable. Easy to consume and oddly reassuring. Works well in audio, haven’t seen the movies yet. Have you?

Series and Television

I try to rotate streaming services and keeping only one active at a time. Because I watch an unreasonable amount, especially series, and I am not the only viewer in the household, there are occasional overlaps. To me, it’s all or nothing. If I can survive past 30 mins, I’m most likely hooked for 3-9 seasons.

Altered Carbon (1-2)
I have watched this twice now. The atmosphere still holds up, even if the adaptation choices are debatable. Would have enjoyed these more with less blood.

Travelers
Seen three times. Still one of my favorite time-travel concepts, even with its limitations. One of the greatest sci-fi concepts.

Elementary
Second full watch-through, all seasons. I enjoy the procedural calm and character consistency.

Stranger Things
The final season. I loved the ending more than expected. I might watch again later with my son, though it’s not really my favorite genre.

In From the Cold
A strange Russian agent story. Messy, slightly off, but very much my kind of weird.

Snowpiercer (1-3)
I had postponed watching this for a long time based on the trailers. Once I finally started, it turned out to be a positive surprise. Interesting characters and just the right amount of strange and impossible sci-fi, contained in a tight, train-shaped package.

Movies

The Rip
Did not enjoy this one too much. The plot was fine, but stylistically not for me.

The Accountant and The Accountant 2
I enjoyed both, weird main characters are always cool. Straightforward, controlled, and surprisingly satisfying.

Bourne (films 1–4)
We watched all four together with my child. There was clearly a Matt Damon theme running through January. These still work well as grounded action films. Enough momentum and physicality to keep a younger viewer engaged, but restrained enough for me. At this point, this is exactly the level of action I still enjoy. I have no energy left for Marvel-style escalation.

Currently reading or listening

Woken Furies
I jumped into this because the Netflix adaptation of Altered Carbon only has two seasons. The tonal shift back into the book world feels weir, but necessary.

What Does This Button Do?
Bruce Dickinson is one of the most impressive people I know of, and listening to this audiobook is genuinely motivating. It works as inspiration and entertainment at the same time. An impressive man with an impressive story.

The Murderbot Diaries (book 2)
More of the same rhythm as the first. Works well in audio format.

Iron Gold
Very different from the earlier Red Rising books. The shift to younger narrators in sci-fi takes some adjustment for me.

Die, My Love
Film adaptation coming in 2026. I want to read this before seeing it. The tone already feels uncomfortable in a way I appreciate.

We Are Legion (We Are Bob)
Started strong, but once the AI began mass-cloning itself, I lost interest. Not sure if I will finish this one.

About That Screen Time

Too much? Yes, I can safely say my screen time has been high. Whether that has helped or distracted my writing depends on the day, but immersion in other worlds always leaves some residue.

Discover my Poetry or read more about my writing process:

This is not my regular type of post, probably the first and last time at once. I felt like sharing, because these seem to be related to my dystopian poetry writing.

How many of these have you read or watched?

And what would you recommend for me this spring?

This project grew out of my personal AI angst. About a year ago (2024) I felt the shift when I realized what was happening with technology. It did not feel temporary or passing, but final.

The weight of that realization stayed with me. I am almost fifty, a woman and a mother. I found myself asking how I am supposed to raise my children into an unpredictable world that I cannot fully understand. Suddenly the future that I thought I had been preparing them for no longer existed.

My past career, everything I had worked toward for decades, felt suddenly hollow. Skills and achievements that once gave me purpose seemed worthless compared to the vast transformation ahead.

I felt useless and disoriented, caught between what had been and what I felt was coming.

The fear was not abstract. It stayed with me, heavy and relentless.

IMPORANT! Whenever image in my content is made with AI, it is marked as an AI Generated Illustration.

My Shift

Eventually I began to redirect the anxiety. I could not stop the change. I could not undo the loss or the void of uncertainty.

Art became my response.

Poems, images and soundscapes are my ways of giving shape to something that cannot be reasoned with, only felt. Creating allowed me to face the chaos without being swallowed by it.

I have made a conscious choice to seek out hope.

In my art I imagine new possibilities rather than only endings. I look for beauty even inside the fracture. This project is a record of my movement from fear toward something lighter, softer, more open.

Still fragile, but at least alive.

This dystopian fantasy is my quiet rebellion.

My refusal to accept the negative mainstream.

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©Samia Oldman

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I AM SAMIA 👋
This is just one piece of the puzzle. Feel free to learn about My Why and My How. All ‘Making of’ posts can be found at My Headspace.

… and so are you.

When I began this project of The Hush Halo (previously known as Iam Complex), I assumed the visual side would be the easiest for me. I come from that background, and I thought painting and drawing would feel like home. Instead, it has turned out to be the most difficult part.

The background story and the New Realm live so vividly in my head that translating them into images feels like standing before a high threshold. Words seem to come more freely and even sound has found its place, but visualizing this inner landscape has demanded a slower, more uncertain process.

I want to share how each layer of this work is made: poetry, soundscapes, and visual art. Each carries a different weight and shapes the atmosphere in its own way.

IMPORANT! Whenever image in my content is made with AI, it is marked as an AI Generated Illustration.

About Poetry

My poems are the heart of this personal art project. Words carry the narrative and open the door into my imagined dystopian fantasy world. Each text is written to stand alone, yet together they create a shifting and unfolding map of voices and images.

Story is not linear, but more like moments and fragments I have caught and formed to resonate into void.

About Soundscapes

The soundscapes I craft with AI tools, woven into the story to echo the poems and amplify the mood. Since I am not a musician, I use AI to provide an extra brushstroke.

This allows me to expand the work beyond words and images, to build an environment of emotions, to share more deeply what I feel.

The audio is AI-generated, designed as soundscapes rather than music. It is not meant to impress with melody or composition, but to hold space for the poems—to create air, tension, and mood. Think of it as an invisible architecture: sound that lingers around the words, amplifying their silence and presence.

About Visual Art

The visual pieces form the tactile surface of the project. My paintings, drawings and abstractions are not illustrations in the traditional sense, but parallel expressions. Colors, shapes and textures work like echoes to my poems: sometimes clarifying, sometimes contradicting, always adding depth.

Together with the poems and sound, they weave a layered experience that is both seen and felt.

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©Samia Oldman

🖤Feeling it? Share your thoughts 🠟

Leave a comment

I AM SAMIA 👋
This is just one piece of the puzzle. Feel free to learn about My Why and My How. All ‘Making of’ posts can be found at My Headspace.